Apologies for my silence yesterday. I spent most of it at various police stations, across the South of England, advising on everything from possession of indecent images to the dizzying excitement of theft of a packet of crisps! Why?! Surely, if you're going to get yourself arrested, you should at least make it worth your while... and do something worth getting arrested for...A few years ago, I recall a client doing just that and, unsurprisingly his piste de arrest arose out of his relationship. For these purposes, I'll call him Tonto!
It all started with the discovery of sex toys under his wife's pillow which, in his warped logic, meant that she was having a lesbian affair with the next door neighbour! Again, we have to ask why?! In his not so youthful wisdom (he was 70), he decided to drink his weight in whiskey and confront her whilst waving a replica firearm and hand grenade!
Even though she knew they were replicas she decided not to advise the police of this somewhat pertinent fact, resulting in the arrival of most of the local constabulary, complete with trained negotiators and armed response units!
Many hours later Tonto, having barricaded himself into his suburban semi resulting in the evacuation of his street, sobered up! Peering out of a window, whilst negotiators on loud speakers boomed around his pounding head, he observed what looked like a police sniper by his neighbour's hanging baskets!
'Oh,' he said, 'I think I'm in a bit of trouble' and stalked from the house with hands in the air, his sinewy frame encased in khaki shorts and knee high wool socks!
Much later when he was interviewed, he had quite a lot to say about his wife - The Bull Dyke, as he called her! The police's attitude, and the seriousness with which they viewed this farcical situation, can perhaps be gleaned from the fact that the interviewing officer called him Tonto throughout!
Tonto got his charges much reduced at the Crown Court, when Counsel threatened to playing the tape at trial!
Clearly the CPS would struggle to persuade the court of the gravity of the case when the defendant was likened by the police to the Lone Ranger's sidekick throughout; not helped by the fact that, in Italian, 'tonto' means stupid, dumb, a fool...well that at least was right!
Sometimes, my job feels like Carry On Criminal!
But at least it gives me a reason to out a picture of my beloved Johnny Depp on my blog...
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