Even pre-internet days, my dating experiences weren't without incident. My romantic life kicked off when I was 17, with a 5 month liaison with a young man, whose looks
bore more than a passing resemblance to Lenny the Lion - masses of ginger curls - and certain elements of this episode set a precedent for future couplings, although happily similar haircuts
were not a recurring theme.
According to his mother, my first boyfriend (FB) had displayed entrepreneurial tendencies from a young age. His marketing and sales techniques certainly came into their own when trying to persuade me that he was the man to relieve me of my virginity… more of which later…
FB was fond of sport, especially cricket, althought 'fond' is probably understating the position. He lived and breathed it and, if there's a lesson I should have learned way back then about men, but didn't, it's this.
Don't worry about the axes, as wielded by the axe-murdering types, but if a man displays more than a passing interest in a cricket bat, hockey stick or any other long wooden implement used for the purposes of sport, or round leather object used for similar purposes, then run like hell in the opposite direction, unless you never want to see him.
Do not be taken in; if the object of your affections only plays for the Sixth Team Ten Times Removed Reserves, rather than the First Team, it matters little. He will still revert to petulant child mode, if it is as much as suggested that he may like to, quelle horreur, spend a weekend away in a luxury hotel, attend a family gathering, or in fact do anything that might entail a Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning away from his beloved sport. As I have learnt over many years, whilst rowers and rugby boys may command 'six packs' to die for, it is often worth settling for a slightly cuddly twenty four pack if you want to spend time with him
Anyway, I digress. I dated FB for about two weeks, before necking in his mini outside my house, progressed to the odd grope on his parents’ sofa. It was usually his parents’ sofa as my parents had an annoying habit of sitting up and chatting until FB left for the evening!And after five months of not so gentle persuasion, worn down by his persistence, I finally agreed that I was ready to move the relationship on to the next level.
This was it; the moment when the earth was would move and I would find out what sex was all about. One of the few details I remembered was being led upstairs to his bedroom, on an evening when his parents were out. It was a balmy summer’s evening; the net curtains in his bedroom were fluttering in the breeze from the open window and the light was fading fast outside. My only other memory of the evening, before it reached its grand finale, was an 18” high stuffed fox, resplendent in full cricket whites, standing beside the bed.
How did I feel? Nervous? Unsure? Was I doing the right thing? To late to back out now; I had to get the blasted virginity out of the way and we'd been together a respectable 5 months and my parents liked him...
As he produced the necessary protection from its foil wrapper I decided that laying back and thinking ofEngland
Then it happened….but not exactly what I had anticipated - an absolutely, earth moving NOTHING! He could not do it! So worried was he, my dad would find out that he couldn't get it up! My virtue was to remain intact for a while longer, but as any self-respecting 19 year old bloke can imagine, his ego did not weather the experience quite so well. He dumped me, two weeks later, saying it was because I had put on weight.
That was not quite the last I'd seen of FB though. Whilst I did my best to avoid him, he occasionally appeared in the country pub where I worked and propositioned me - usually when he was drunk and his new girlfriend was away! During one of his most impressive attempts at seduction, FB boasted that he could ring at least seven girls and get them to come home and sleep with him that night if I turned him down.
That may well have been true. It is quite possible that he may have got them home, but what happened thereafter would by no means be guaranteed if my experience was anything to go by….NEXT!
According to his mother, my first boyfriend (FB) had displayed entrepreneurial tendencies from a young age. His marketing and sales techniques certainly came into their own when trying to persuade me that he was the man to relieve me of my virginity… more of which later…
FB was fond of sport, especially cricket, althought 'fond' is probably understating the position. He lived and breathed it and, if there's a lesson I should have learned way back then about men, but didn't, it's this.
Don't worry about the axes, as wielded by the axe-murdering types, but if a man displays more than a passing interest in a cricket bat, hockey stick or any other long wooden implement used for the purposes of sport, or round leather object used for similar purposes, then run like hell in the opposite direction, unless you never want to see him.
Do not be taken in; if the object of your affections only plays for the Sixth Team Ten Times Removed Reserves, rather than the First Team, it matters little. He will still revert to petulant child mode, if it is as much as suggested that he may like to, quelle horreur, spend a weekend away in a luxury hotel, attend a family gathering, or in fact do anything that might entail a Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning away from his beloved sport. As I have learnt over many years, whilst rowers and rugby boys may command 'six packs' to die for, it is often worth settling for a slightly cuddly twenty four pack if you want to spend time with him
Anyway, I digress. I dated FB for about two weeks, before necking in his mini outside my house, progressed to the odd grope on his parents’ sofa. It was usually his parents’ sofa as my parents had an annoying habit of sitting up and chatting until FB left for the evening!And after five months of not so gentle persuasion, worn down by his persistence, I finally agreed that I was ready to move the relationship on to the next level.
This was it; the moment when the earth was would move and I would find out what sex was all about. One of the few details I remembered was being led upstairs to his bedroom, on an evening when his parents were out. It was a balmy summer’s evening; the net curtains in his bedroom were fluttering in the breeze from the open window and the light was fading fast outside. My only other memory of the evening, before it reached its grand finale, was an 18” high stuffed fox, resplendent in full cricket whites, standing beside the bed.
How did I feel? Nervous? Unsure? Was I doing the right thing? To late to back out now; I had to get the blasted virginity out of the way and we'd been together a respectable 5 months and my parents liked him...
As he produced the necessary protection from its foil wrapper I decided that laying back and thinking of
Then it happened….but not exactly what I had anticipated - an absolutely, earth moving NOTHING! He could not do it! So worried was he, my dad would find out that he couldn't get it up! My virtue was to remain intact for a while longer, but as any self-respecting 19 year old bloke can imagine, his ego did not weather the experience quite so well. He dumped me, two weeks later, saying it was because I had put on weight.
That was not quite the last I'd seen of FB though. Whilst I did my best to avoid him, he occasionally appeared in the country pub where I worked and propositioned me - usually when he was drunk and his new girlfriend was away! During one of his most impressive attempts at seduction, FB boasted that he could ring at least seven girls and get them to come home and sleep with him that night if I turned him down.
That may well have been true. It is quite possible that he may have got them home, but what happened thereafter would by no means be guaranteed if my experience was anything to go by….NEXT!
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