Dating for beginners!

Back to Internet dating and, for those of you who have been fortunate enough never to try it, I'll outline the basics.

First, choose a site - whatever your preferences theres something for everyone - from sites specialising in men in uniform to those expert in men in muddy wellies, from adult fun to adulterous affairs, from men who want to meet men to men who want to mate, from men who want to meet large women to women who want to meet men with large bank balances, from illicit to illegal, from Guardian readers to Gaydar, from psychometric matching to psychiatric help (ok - I made the last one up - but that's what you may need after braving the online world)!

Don't be surprised if the same people pop up on different sites - bets and hedging is common on dating sites. Once you've chosen your site, next task is to draft a profile and learn to read between the lines in other peoples. As you've already learnt from my dalliance with The Surgeon, people aren't always what they profess, so learn the basics quickly. A few lessons that I've learnt may help you negotiate this minefield:

• height - reduce by at least an inch to increase accuracy;
• age - any one describing themselves as 29, 39 or in fact anything ending in 9 is likely to be older but not wanting to be dismissed on up to 30 and 40 searches;
• sporty-good with the tv remote control
• currently separated-looking for a fling to make ex-wife jealous;
• income - if that matters to you (and, for the record, it doesn't to me), ask yourself just how many people you think are likely to join a £20 a month dating site if they really earn 'over £100,000 a year' - surely a bespoke matching agency would be more likely, wouldn't it?

And them there's the photographic warning flags:

• no photo - married;
• grainy photo taken from a distance wearing sunglasses, a hat and ski gear not 'very attractive' as they assert in their profile;
• man clutching children-looking for casual sex around his child care arrangements;
• man clutching mother-take your scissors to cut apron strings;
• man clutching ex-wife/girlfriend-delete and run like hell! he's probably still in live with her.

Just a few pointers to help newbie daters on your way...

So where did all that leave me? Going on previous experience, whatever should I write on my own advert for a mate in an effort to attract the man of my dreams or, at the very least, avoid any of the above...?!