Mr. Dyson - Happy Never After (Part 6)!

Mr. Dyson has taken something of a back seat, after recent events involving snakes, being stood up and His Hotness, so it’s now time to put Suzi (and Mr. Dyson) out of their misery and share my recollections of where my relationship with the vacuum lover went so horribly wrong, yet we have managed to retain such a strong friendship since.

Well I did help him fix his heart but, as we all know, we don't need the emergency services around, once their job is done, reminding us of bad times so being the fourth emergency service is not exactly an accolade that has been helpful to me. It certainly hasn't helped my love life over the years (more of which later)...

Whilst Mr. Dyson and I loved each other, we couldn’t live together or, perhaps more succinctly, Mr. Dyson couldn’t live with me (although we tried for a couple of years). Whereas I would drink wine, he would dust; I loved old houses, he loved new; I called him Gorgeous Bloke, he called me Gorgeous Bird (GB x2); my life was madly chaotic, his was clinically calm; he loved skiing, I loved socialising; he loved tennis, I loved talking to friends; he loved me and I loved him but, ultimately, love didn't conquer all and we went our separate ways after a liaison with someone he met at work.

I shall never know whether it became physical or was purely a flirtation; what I do know is that our love affair died after he sent me a text intended for her...

After a lot of tears and a year without contact we developed a tentative friendship, as connections like ours don't just disappear and life is far too short to be bitter. It has become stronger over the years and now Mr. Dyson is always on call to put up my pictures, provide hugs when life gets tough, fix my plugs and  kill my slugs, but the truth is that we should never have had a relationship.

He's been happily settled in another relationship for many years now and chose, in his words, pleasant over passion as that suits him better, and I'm truly glad at least one of us got it right in the end. He is content and, as a friend, I am very pleased for him...

But Mr. Dyson will always be GB - hell, he is still the beneficiary of my will (something I know I need to rectify) - and very special to me but, sadly, Suzi, he and I will never be the reason you need to buy a hat....! Our involvement with rings, going forward, is likely to involve putting up curtain rings rather than putting a ring of the sparkly variety on my finger!

His Hotness on the other hand....well, you just never know.....in my life, anything could happen...

The Italian Job!

For those of my friends who have requested clarification of the age of the latest potential date - for these purposes, lets call him His Hotness (HH) - he is only a small amount younger than me; an amount I could live with, without feeling like Mrs. Robinson!

Talking of which, the 29 year old gardener has contacted me again and, despite asserting that he 'never chases women', has sent me several emails over the last week. After I sent him an equal number of gentle rejections, I received a further missive on Friday saying 'Won't be in touch again. I've met someone.' He may as well have added 'So there. Ya boo sucks!'' afterwards. As if I care!

This flurry of correspondence was followed by an email from 22 year old Jordan who said 'You're out of my league, but thought I'd try anyway'. Not sure about out of league; barely out of nappies would have been more appropriate. What is it with these young guys...

Talking of young men, I had a funny experience earlier this year when a lodger left at short notice. To balance the budget, I arranged to act as a host for the local language school - looking after three teenage Italian boys for a week. What I didn't know about teenage boys I certainly learnt that week. 

The comedy started when I received a letter, in advance of their visit, which, you could say, was somewhat lost in translation.

       'Dear Daisy,

    Thank you for letting us stay in your home. We are told you  like to cook and we look forward to enjoying your delicacies!!!!!

 

Best wishes ........'

 

The disconcerting use of English (and exclamation marks) set the scene for their visit....

 

After considering purchasing a gas mask to counter the clouds of cheap aftershave wafting from my bathroom each morning I was perturbed, to say the least, on arriving home from work one day, to find two16 year old boys - who had just discovered the joys of Primarni - prancing around my house in their new purchases - red, white and blue underpants emblazoned with union jacks and the bold statements such as '100% British Beef' and 'Your Country Needs You'!

The irony being that if I'd been a bloke and they were teenage girls, I'd probably have been arrested for indecency and needed a duty solicitor myself! You will be pleased to hear that they did not get to 'enjoy my delicacies', aside from the pasta and pesto type ones.....!
 

Carry On Dating!

Never one to be defeated by anything as silly as the minor humiliation of being stood up by a moron with the manners of David Brent, I immediately got back on my dating horse-grateful that I had wasted no more time on the man with the motorbike.

They say things happen for a reason and Sunday's debacle clearly happened so that I would carry on dating, hopefully, more worthy individuals. Or should that be Carry On Dating ....now there's an idea for  script!

Anyway things are certainly looking up. As I do not want to jinx this, the detail provided will be sparse so, for now, I will tell you only this - he wears a uniform, is slightly younger than me, a lot taller than me and, if his photos are genuine, possibly the hottest guy I have seen since Johnny Depp in Chocolat!

We spent most of yesterday evening chatting and yes, yes I know I'm breaking my own rules again and this has the makings of disaster written all over it, but...... I just have a very good feeling about this one....!

And if it ends in disaster....isn't Johnny single at the moment....now there's a thought!

Date Debrief!

For those of you who have been waiting tentatively for my next post, hoping that for once the news is good, I am afraid I cannot report that I and theYoung Rick Stein talked for hours and are going to meet again. So much for being positive...

If anyone deserves the poison pen, it is him, or should that be the poison bullet, and I say that with some meaning. Our text exchange, which is entirely unadulterated, says it all:

Me: Hi. Just checking you're still ok to meet up?

YRS: Yes. I am on my way.

Me: Great. I'll see you shortly. Wearing jeans, white shirt and pink/blue scarf! Hopefully I'll recognise the dog!

YRS: Ok. Ilk be watching for you.

Me: Makes you sound like a stalker ;-)!

YRS: Just wait and see ;-)

Me: No worries. I represent stalkers all the time in my day job so I have every confidence I'll manage! P.s. My humour may take some getting used too, though ;-)!

YRS: Mmmm we'll see

Me: Indeed we will! I'll be there in 2 mins. Are you in garden?

YRS:No sorry just left ;-(



Just left where - the pub or home?! I shall never know, as he was not at the pub where we'd agreed to meet and when I  called him his phone was switched off.

Fortuitously, at that moment as I stared at my phone in disbelief, Mr. Socks called and invited me to join him and his friend, Fishy, for coffee, which I gratefully did, so sadly I shall never know whether, in answer to Suzi's question, Young Rick Stein's bike was a 50cc with a Pizza Hut sign on the back but, as his behaviour would have been more becoming of a teenage boy than a 47 year old father and business man, I rather suspect it was. I think I'll stick to snakes next time. At least they're predictable! NEXT!

Young Rick Stein!

As I've received a few texts offline from nosey friends, who've read my latest post online, and want details of theYoung Rick Stein, I just have time for a very quick post to satisfy their curiosity before heading out to meet him.

So, here are the salient points:

• Grainy distant photo (err...what did I say about those in an earlier post) but he does look attractive in a grainy, distant sort of way
• Currently separated (stern word with self - Daisy, what are you thinking?
• His profile was brief and, when pressed for further information, he told me the sort of car and motor bike he drives! Not really the sort of information I was hoping for..
• We have exchanged emails and texts, but not spoken on the phone...am I mad? He could have the intonation of Larry the Lamb! 
• He's very sporty - oh dear, but Mr. Socks did suggest that I get more interested in sport so I'm sure I can pretend...for one date at least.

On the positive side:

• he likes dogs
• he is right age, right location and writes in sentences....

I refuse to believe he doesn't have potential...I just hope he doesn't share the older Mr. Stein's taste in hats (see above)! Later...

Trouser Snakes!

Bo, the boa constrictor, has caused much hilarity and, as Suzi points out in her comment, many of us have dated snakes and, in dating terms, the word 'snakes' can have many connotations.

Without wishing to be crude, my dear friend Dylan, who is as camp as a tent peg and much more fun than camping, tells me that, when looking for love in the gay world, it is not uncommon to receive informative, chatty emails followed, without warning, by pictures of snakes of the trouser variety! His response, in his own inimitable way, is usually ' Yes, I assumed you'd got one; I don't need proof!'

Today, I am free - no work, no snakes (hopefully) and actually an impromptu date..... in a sunny pub garden in about 4 hours time.

Having spent yesterday evening with  Dylan and other great friends, Kay and Jez, who have been happily unmarried for over 20 years and find our dating exploits incredible to say the least, I shared a photo of today's paramour. After announcing he looked like a 'young Rick Stein' - I think it was the wetsuit and Cornish beach in the background that swung it - Kay said 'well, he doesn't look too bad!' I'm not quite sure at what point, positive assessments such as 'he looks great' or even the anodyne 'he looks nice', were reduced to this level. 

Personally, I have no expectations.....other than meeting his dog which he is bringing along; said dog is allegedly large, black and will most likely be very wet! I do hope that isn't an inappropriate euphemism for something else....

Anyway, off to mow the lawn before heading out - where is Lawn Mower Man when I need him?

No Comment!

Having spent much of last night at the police station, advising clients on whether to comment on allegations or invoke their right to remain silent, I have given similar thought to whether I should remain silent or make comment on the comments on my blog.

To those of you who have commented and enjoyed my general ramblings on life, I am glad I am brightening up your day sufficiently that you keep coming back.

To the sole dissenting voice who does not find my posts 'hilarious', I must agree with him or her that being repeatedly let down by those who have been entrusted with my heart, or being sent semi-pornographic emails by strangers, or being pursued by indiviuals who lie, cheat and generally behave in a manner far removed from the moral code of most decent people is far from hilarious but, as with many of the less savoury aspects of life including many of those I see daily at the police station, sometimes using such black humour is the only way to deal with  such events.

And when reading such differering views, I am thankful once again on being reminded just how priviledged I and most readers of my blog are that we live in democracies, are free to choose our own reading material, form a view on it and express that view. Many of my friends living in a former African dictatorship, where I spent a great deal of time last year, did not grow up with such an advantage.

So in summary, I would say this - if you're enjoying, keep reading (because we can) and, if you don't find what I write amusing - why put yourself through it - stop reading (because you can) and remember, this is supposed to be fun; not a form of self-enforced literary torture!

Right, serious moment over....I have to go to court now to deal with a man charged with assault whose 'victim' is in the habit of taking his pet boa constrictor (yes, a real one) for 'a walk' in his local park (yes, really)! Well, what would you do, if confronted with that, when all you'd tried to do was take your kids out to buy an icecream?! I couldn't make it up...