It started at the end of October with the anniversary of my father's recent and sudden death; bereavement is a very personal thing, affecting everyone in different ways...from my perspective it was devastating. His death was unexpected and uncompromising - 68, a devastating stroke, he was here and two weeks later he was gone.
A counsellor I have discussed my feelings with concluded that I was suffering from post-traumatic stress arising from the manner in which he died.
Whilst dealing with the anniversary of this awful event, I received Classified's text, which upset me more than it should; not least because it came from a man who I had actually begun to like a little and elevated from the dating slush pile as he seemed worth it.
Matters were compounded a few days later when I can across a former love on Linked In. Not just a lover but friend, confidant and the man I thought was The One, after so many previous disappointments - many of which you've read about.
He was tall, impossibly handsome, funny and, I thought...for the six months we were together... rather lovely. He had no money and an acrimonious relationship with his ex-wife but none of that mattered. I loved him unconditionally and when he ended our relationship , without warning, by text....indicating just how disposable I was to him....I spiralled into such a bad place I thought I would never recover.
Good old Daisy who always bounced back, smiling through the tears, had finally sustained an irreparable puncture. His departure from my life broke my already battered heart and led to a meltdown which I would never have believed possible....7 months off work when I could barely get out of bed and a lonely, slow and painful climb back to life and health. Having just regained this fragile sanity, my father died without preamble.
One of the last things he said before stopping breathing and being rushed to ICU and, subsequently leaving us, shall live with me for ever. He was delirious, confused and thought I was my sister who is happily married with two gorgeous children.This is what he said:
'You're ok darling you have M to look after you. I just need to know your sister's ok and has someone to look after her, then I can go.'
You see, whilst my father had his flaws, he was a gentleman and cared deeply for those around him, most of all about his beloved family and, in his old fashioned way, he believed that a marriage and the support that went with it would ensure his daughters' would be cared for in the way he had always cared. Knowing he died without realising that wish is, at times, almost impossible to bear. For him I keep going and try to keep smiling through the tears....This post is for him and those who loved him so we can all remember how special he was...and I've added a field of poppies to signify just how many lives he touched....
Until I meet someone with the same integrity as my dear old dad, who does not regard it as acceptable to stand people up, end a relationship by text, lie about his marital status and worse, then I shall remain single however excruciatingly lonely that may be at times.
Such men are rare as wrinkles in Hollywood ... but with a birthday imminent, heralding yet a few more wrinkles on my own face, and a few lovely events coming up with friends from home and abroad over the coming weeks, I'm determined not to give up the faith...however seemingly impossible that might be at times...
And now, mon braves, it is time to don the warpaint to cover the wrinkles and once again smile through the pain....maybe I shall use the money my mother gave me to rejoin a dating site....or maybe, I shall put it to much better use and drink myself silly on champagne with all my friends this evening (including Mr. Socks!)....whatever, I shall smile...and, undoubtedly, have more stories for you soon...maybe, and I'm ever hopeful, with a happy ending.....
Dearest Daisy,
ReplyDeleteI am sure your father is up there now, having a word with fate and sorting through all the good men to make sure Mr Perfect comes in to your life.
Big Hugs
Suzi xxxx